The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Your Relationship
Dr. John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and relationship researcher. With decades of research and clinical experience, Gottman has identified patterns of behavior and relationship dynamics that can predict the success or failure of a marriage. In this blog, we will explore a little more of what Gottman has called 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' and see how some behavior patterns can be harmful to our relationships.
Four negative behaviors that can be highly damaging to a healthy relationship have been identified by Dr. John Gottman. These behaviors, known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, are:
Criticism: Criticism involves expressing discontent or disapproval in a general and negative way towards the partner, instead of focusing on specific behaviors. For example, instead of expressing dissatisfaction about a specific situation, a general criticism could be: "You always forget to help me with household chores. You are so selfish."
Contempt: Contempt is a feeling of superiority or disdain towards the partner. This can be expressed through sarcasm, mockery, insults, or gestures of disdain. For example, a person may roll their eyes, make faces, or mock their partner during an argument.
Defensiveness: Defensiveness occurs when a partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions and instead blames the other for the situation. Instead of listening to the partner's concerns, the person defends themselves, justifies their actions, or makes counter-accusations. For example, in response to a legitimate complaint from the partner about their lack of participation in household chores, a defensive response could be: "I'm always busy with work, and you're never satisfied!"
Contempt Attitude: The contempt attitude goes beyond contempt itself and involves a deep and persistent lack of respect for the partner. This can include personal insults, ridicule and hostile behavior. For example, a person may constantly belittle their partner's opinions or feelings, lowering their self-esteem and undermining the relationship.
Recognizing and addressing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is essential for preserving the health of a relationship. This may involve practicing non-defensive communication, expressing concerns in a specific and constructive manner, and cultivating an attitude of respect and empathy towards the partner. For example, instead of responding to a complaint about always being late by justifying or blaming external circumstances, a response could be: "I understand how frustrating that can be for you. I will make an effort to be more punctual and manage my time better so we can enjoy our commitments together."
Therapy or couples counseling can also be very beneficial in helping couples identify and overcome harmful behavior patterns, replacing them with more positive and constructive behaviors.
Additionally, remember that Jesus raised the standard of how we should relate to one another. He instructs us to love our neighbor as ourselves; surely these behavior patterns do not express love as we would like to receive it.
Recognizing these patterns and seeking help is crucial, so be sure to explore the materials and tools we have available to contribute to the health of your relationships. Click here to learn more.
We wish you a solid foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect in your relationship. God bless!
